Training starts today. In almost exactly 12 hours.
I woke up this morning like the main character in a movie – when the camera zooms in just as she’s waking up and her eyes pop open with panic. And she lies in bed, motionless, staring at the ceiling. It’s usually followed by an open mouth “NOoooo!” (I stopped short of that.)
Things spiraling through my head:
Holy crap. What have I done?
Am I really ready?
What if I’m not ready?
I’ve had the cold/virus of the century for the past week and a half. Coughing, weak, achy. I practiced for a very short period each day, until my body said “stop.” I’m going into tonight feeling weaker than I’d have liked. Or, maybe that’s just my head messing with me.
When I take a step back, I know none of what I’m feeling is specifically about yoga. I’ve had similar feelings when it’s been time to start something new and significant. First meeting on a new client project. First public reading of my book. First <fill in the blank.>
So, I try to draw from past experiences of times the anticipation was worse than the outcome. And, I realize, that’s usually the case. And yet, I put myself through the mental gymnastics every time. Interesting hobby, right?
I can’t guarantee my insecurities won’t try to sneak into the next twelve hours. Rather than fight them, I’m trying a new tactic: acknowledgment that they’re real and reassurance that I don’t need to invite them into my life. Because here’s the thing about trying something new: You can’t move forward in life without it and, after the first few minutes, it’s not new anymore.
Today’s intention: I’m ready for tonight. It’s OK to bring my strength and my insecurities. Yoga is about the journey, not the destination.