I wish I liked yoga.

I mean, I do like yoga. I love yoga. Just not right now.

Today’s practice was 45 of 45. I couldn’t get all of my requirements done by graduation (not without injury), so I committed to using 1/2 of the grace period, which meant I would finish today . Don’t get me wrong – I am not opposed to taking the full two weeks of grace. I respect my OMies who are taking that route. In fact, my body might quite prefer that. But, I was feeling squeezed to get back to the other parts of my life. Like my clients. And my family. And maybe cleaning out my closets.  (Probably not the closets.)

45 is a Navasana load of practices in eight weeks. Even if you stretch it to nine weeks. I’ve struggled like crazy. My head hasn’t been in the game for quite a while. These last few days, it’s been especially difficult to admit that I’m doing yoga because I have to, not because I want to. That makes me sad. I want my practice back. I want to enjoy my time on my Mat, rather than feeling like I’m going through the motions and my heart is somewhere else.

I know, I know. It’s all a part of the process. I understand that. I just don’t like it. Which, I know, is also part of the process. As yogis, we seek to practice Aparigraha – a letting go of things we might be hanging on to just a bit too tightly. Like wanting my practice to be a certain way.

Well, crap. If I let things be the way they are, it means I need to be OK with struggling with my practice. And I suppose it means I am to learn something from this. So, what am I learning?

  • I’m learning that it’s OK to go to my Mat feeling unsure and uncommitted. The Mat doesn’t judge.
  • I’m learning that, just when I think I’m getting my Zen on, I find myself getting all worked up again because my yoga isn’t going the way I want it to. Because I’m human.
  • I’m learning that my strong and healthy body carried me safely through eight weeks of intense training and it has a right to slow down a little bit. Because I’ve asked a lot of it.

Most of all, I’ve learned that yoga can and will mean different things to me at different times. And there can be beauty in all of it – if I can let go. I’m taking a couple of recovery days and then I’ll head back to my Mat and the studio. Not on my terms, of course, but on the terms of the process. Not perfectly, but in a very human way. Cause that’s all any of us can ask of ourselves.

#Nama

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “I wish I liked yoga.

  1. For what it’s worth, I think it would be tough for anyone other than a 20 yr old to make it through that many practices in that short of time 🙂 I may be in a different program – but there are so many similarities to what we’ve gone through. The emotions, the physical stress, and of course, trying to do this while working full time. Most of the people in my class were shocked that I worked full time and am in training. Many of us are still finishing.

    The upside, is you’re almost done! And pretty soon we can meet for lunch…and a trip to Athleta to use your teacher’s discount 😉

    Hang in there, nama mama!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s