I mean, I do like yoga. I love yoga. Just not right now.
Today’s practice was 45 of 45. I couldn’t get all of my requirements done by graduation (not without injury), so I committed to using 1/2 of the grace period, which meant I would finish today . Don’t get me wrong – I am not opposed to taking the full two weeks of grace. I respect my OMies who are taking that route. In fact, my body might quite prefer that. But, I was feeling squeezed to get back to the other parts of my life. Like my clients. And my family. And maybe cleaning out my closets. (Probably not the closets.)
45 is a Navasana load of practices in eight weeks. Even if you stretch it to nine weeks. I’ve struggled like crazy. My head hasn’t been in the game for quite a while. These last few days, it’s been especially difficult to admit that I’m doing yoga because I have to, not because I want to. That makes me sad. I want my practice back. I want to enjoy my time on my Mat, rather than feeling like I’m going through the motions and my heart is somewhere else.
I know, I know. It’s all a part of the process. I understand that. I just don’t like it. Which, I know, is also part of the process. As yogis, we seek to practice Aparigraha – a letting go of things we might be hanging on to just a bit too tightly. Like wanting my practice to be a certain way.
Well, crap. If I let things be the way they are, it means I need to be OK with struggling with my practice. And I suppose it means I am to learn something from this. So, what am I learning?
- I’m learning that it’s OK to go to my Mat feeling unsure and uncommitted. The Mat doesn’t judge.
- I’m learning that, just when I think I’m getting my Zen on, I find myself getting all worked up again because my yoga isn’t going the way I want it to. Because I’m human.
- I’m learning that my strong and healthy body carried me safely through eight weeks of intense training and it has a right to slow down a little bit. Because I’ve asked a lot of it.
Most of all, I’ve learned that yoga can and will mean different things to me at different times. And there can be beauty in all of it – if I can let go. I’m taking a couple of recovery days and then I’ll head back to my Mat and the studio. Not on my terms, of course, but on the terms of the process. Not perfectly, but in a very human way. Cause that’s all any of us can ask of ourselves.